Kids Grieve Too: How Adopted Children Might Experience Loss
Amidst the anticipation, excitement, nervousness, and stress that adoptive parents feel during the adoption process, it can be easy to forget that adoption is life-altering for children as well. No matter how well-matched your family and adopted child are, the transition will still be difficult for your child. In fact, the National American Council on Adoptable Children (NACAC) identifies grief and loss as two of the seven core issues in adoption and permanency.
According to the NACAC framework, adopted children (or children in foster care) experience losses related to their birth families, lost connections to culture, race, or ethnicity, loss of familiar surroundings and relationships, and loss of traditional “childhood” experiences. Some of these losses vary based on the age that a child is placed in foster care or adopted; however, the NACAC emphasizes that understanding the grief and loss experienced by adopted children is critical in understanding and addressing the complex challenges and needs of adopted children. This article provides a broad overview of grief and loss, as well as tips to help your child cope with feelings of loss and resources to seek additional help, if needed.
Grief and Loss
Loss is something that everyone experiences in some form throughout their lives. Grief, on the other hand, is the normal emotional process that a person moves through in order to heal from loss. It often includes intense feelings of sadness, but can also cause anger, questioning one’s faith or purpose, feeling directionless, and more. Elizabeth Kübler-Ross, a psychiatrist, identified five stages of grief that grieving individuals experience. A grieving person does not necessarily experience each stage in linear order, and there is no timeframe for each stage. This article provides a good overview of how your adopted child might experience each stage. In addition, your adopted child might experience something called ambiguous grief, meaning that they experience the normal stages of grief compounded with questions or confusion about the lost relationships. To give one example, a child adopted from foster care might experience ambiguous grief because he loves his biological mother but is also angry with her for losing custody. This article provides more information about how ambiguous grief impacts adopted children, in particular.
Grief Will Vary Based on Child’s Development
Because they are still developing – mentally, physically, and emotionally – your child’s grief will most likely look very different than what you would expect from an adult. Each child’s experience of grief and loss will look different, but there are a few factors to consider when thinking about your child’s grieving process:
Age When Adopted. A child who was placed in foster care or adopted later in childhood may feel more connections to their birth family, friends, neighborhood, and routines – and therefore may feel more acute feelings of loss than a child who is adopted at birth. Additionally, older children might be better able to verbalize their thoughts and feelings related to adoption. Young children may struggle as well. Some parents believe that children adopted at a very young age do not remember the events, and therefore do not grieve. This is a myth. Even children adopted at birth may experience some level of grief and loss, though it may look different. For example, young babies and children might show increased separation anxiety.
Current Age. The grieving process is just that – a process. Much like you might feel new pangs of grief years after losing a loved one, your child’s grief will evolve as well. Your child may experience new waves of grief as they enter new phases of development throughout childhood. For example, a three-year-old might start to notice that she does not look like her parents, or may need reassurance that her adopted parents “below” to her. These behaviors are completely normal for a that age; however, a child who has been adopted might have added sensitivity during this time because he or she was adopted and is trying to make sense of the losses and her identity. Years later, that same child might demonstrate hypersensitivity to perceived rejection (around any number of topics: interactions with friends, dating, limits set by adoptive parents). Again, it is completely normal for a teenager to challenge authority and express anger over a loss of control; an adopted child might experience these phases in a more acute way as a result of past losses. The Center for Adoption Support and Education (CASE) provides helpful fact-sheets about age-specific emotions and behaviors to expect from your adopted child.
Helping Children Cope
It can feel overwhelming to try to support your adopted child through the grieving process while you are also trying to connect and build a loving bond with them. Adoption experts suggest striking a balance between validating your child’s thoughts and emotions around loss, finding ways to honor their past and lost loved ones, and creating new routines and rituals to build trust and bonding with your adopted child. In additional, some child therapists specialize in post-adoption issues, and may be able to help your child and family heal. For more resources around specific strategies to help your adopted child cope with grief and loss, visit these resources:
It is critically important for you to know that your child’s behaviors related to grief and loss are not a reflection of your parenting skills or how much your adopted child loves you. It is important for you to seek support – whether that be through friends, family, a support group, or a trained therapist – if you are feeling overwhelmed by your adopted child’s expressions of grief and loss. A BenefitBump Care Navigator or Adoption Specialist can assist you with locating specific resources in your area.