Mom Friendships and Why They Matter
Whether you’re a new mom or more seasoned, having someone in your life to sit with you and listen from a place of understanding, is extremely helpful. But making friends isn’t easy, especially mom friends. In this article, we’ll discuss why it’s important to make time for friends as a mother, how to evaluate your current friendships, how to make new friendships, and how to nurture your relationships with friends.
Why is it important to make time for friends as a mother/new mother?
Look, we get it. You’re a busy mom with a lot on your plate and the very last thing you might feel like doing is socializing. But making time for friendship as a mom is extremely helpful and good for your emotional health. The friends I’ve made through my kids have been some of the longest lasting and most rewarding friendships in my life for many reasons. First, they get it. They will relate to your lack of sleep, potty stories, tantrum trauma, etc. Nothing compares to that feeling of being seen and understood by someone who is also experiencing what you are. Secondly, they understand. Mom friends know that life is crazy, and you may have to cancel at the last minute. They understand that you’ll be interrupted 15 times before you can finish your story and probably not remember why you were telling it. They don’t judge you. You can show up in your sweats with your hair in a messy bun and they’re just excited to see you. They also don’t judge your home with laundry and kid’s toys everywhere, because their home probably looks the same. And lastly, mom friends will be there for you when times are tough. Motherhood is hard. There will be ups and downs and having a mom friend or two in your corner to help you through those times will make a world of difference.
So, you get it, having mom friends is great. But what if none of your friends have kids?
You may feel like you’ve outgrown your friends without kids, they don’t understand why you don’t have as much time for them, or you have nothing to talk to them about when you do get together. These friends will always have a place in your heart, but maybe they need to take the back seat for a while. Ask yourself a few questions to evaluate if it’s time to set a boundary.
Am I giving more to this friendship than I’m receiving?
Do I feel better after I spend time with this friend or worse?
Is this friend understanding and open to the ways our friendship is changing or judgmental?
There’s nothing wrong with saying, “I’m so busy as a new mom figuring this whole thing out. You’re very important to me, but for a while I need to focus on my family, and I won’t be as available as I was before having a baby.”
Okay, you’re convinced, mom friends are important. But how do you meet other moms? And how do you know if they’re someone you want to be friends with?
Good questions! First, we’ll share some ways to meet moms. Then, we’ll share some ways to decide if they’re the right mom friends for you.
Join a Moms group – meeting other moms requires you to get out of your comfort zone and do something new in order to meet people you’ve never met. When I had my first child, I joined a Couples with Kids group on Meetup.com and some of the friends I made through that group are still my closest friends. We’ve watched our children grow up, been there for each other through the highs and lows, and had someone to call when we were in a babysitting pinch!
Take a birthing class – This is a great option if you’re a new or expectant mom. Someone I know met her closest friend through a birthing class. They met and exchanged numbers and have become lifelong friends. What’s great about this is your kids are guaranteed to be close to the same age!
Take your young child to a mommy and me [yoga, play gym, music, etc.] class – your children’s activities are also a great way to meet other moms. When they are young there are lots of fun activities that you can do together.
Get involved in your children’s sports, plays, school activities– as your kids get older, they will most likely take part in more activities. Instead of just being a chauffeur, hang out during the activities to meet other parents, or better yet, volunteer. You’ll meet more new people the more involved you become.
Join a parents resource group at work – if your employer offers a resource group for parents, check it out. This is a great place to meet friends who are also working parents. You can even ask them to lunch and have quality conversations without children interrupting!
Criteria for Deciding if Someone is a Fit for Your Next Mom Friend
Ask yourself the following questions before exchanging numbers or pursuing a friendship with someone. Your answers to these questions will help you decide if you mesh or not.
How do they make you feel? After your initial interaction - Do you feel uplifted? Excited to share more about your life? Confident and open? Seen and heard? – If yes, this person may be a good mom friend for you. Exchange numbers, reach out, and see what happens! Making mom friends is a lot like dating. You may have to be vulnerable and put yourself out there to reap the rewards.
OR do they make you feel closed, negative, like you’ve shared too much, bad about your life, or like you couldn’t get a word in edgewise? – This person may not be a great fit. Maybe you’ll be the kind of acquaintances that say ‘Hi’ to each other every week, but your time is precious, why waste time putting energy into a friendship that makes you feel badly?
So, you’ve made a mom friend. Now what?
Like your marriage, mom friendships need to be nurtured as well. Below are some ways to nurture mom friendships:
Put deposits into your friendship – text out of the blue to ask how they’re doing, follow up on that job interview they told you about, ask if their baby is feeling better, ask if they need anything, drop by with a meal if they’re going through rough times, grab them a hanging plant at the grocery store when you’re buying one for yourself, porch drop a gift on their birthday. All of these things help build connections and pave the way for a lasting friendship.
Make plans with the kids – it’s so nice to have mom friends because they’re busy too, and they understand your time is precious and most of it will be with your family (when you’re not working). Plan an outing at a park, a playdate at one of your houses, a play café – these are great – kids get to play, and you get to drink coffee 😊.
Make plans without the kids – whether it's going out for coffee in the morning or a drink in the evening, it's imperative to take some time for yourselves too! If you have common interests like tennis, crafts, yoga or jogging, this can be a great way to get in self-care time AND connect with your mom friend.
Re-evaluate every so often – Every few months, re-evaluate your friendship(s). Ask yourself: Am I putting more into this friendship that I’m receiving? Does this friendship uplift/inspire/encourage me? Mom friends are a great support system – but only if they’re the right mom friends for you. Only you know if the relationship is healthy for you.
Establish boundaries – your time is valuable. If you need more, or less friend time, say so! As mothers, you know that transparency is key to relationships. Set boundaries that allow for as much or as little time with friends as your schedule allows.
Other resources:
“Making friends isn’t easy, especially mom friends. We’re here to help.”