Grieving an Incomplete Adoption: Revocation of Consent

You have been matched with a birth mother and have been preparing for the arrival of your newborn for weeks, months, or years.  You brought your newborn home from the hospital and are completely in love and overjoyed until you answer the phone one day to find out from your social worker the birth mother has revoked consent and has chosen to parent her baby.  You are left feeling broken, lost, abandoned, numb, and yet in pain.  What’s next after an incomplete adoption?  

Many adoptive parents understand that incomplete adoption is a possibility when they begin the process.  However, the resulting devastation can be debilitating as they begin to process how they can fall in love with someone – and subsequently lose that person – so quickly.   

An expectant mother’s decision to parent her child is not usually a reflection of how she feels about the prospective adoptive parents. Instead, these decisions usually center around the birth mother’s feelings about how capable she is of parenting this child. Situations change, and if an expectant mother has decided she is capable of and wants to parent her baby, this does not make her a selfish or bad person. However, the situation still results in heartbreak for the prospective adoptive parents.  

If you find yourself dealing with a disrupted match or placement, treat it as a true loss. Give yourself time to grieve before moving on to another match. If you can find a therapist near you, or a support group for adoptive parents who can help you walk through this grief. At times, grief can cause tension between you and your partner. Grief counselors can help you understand how your partner is grieving and how to provide support, without feeling resentment.  There is nothing you can do to prevent a disruption and no way to prepare yourself for the emotions you will feel if it happens to you. Give yourself time and space to grieve and ask that others give you that as well.  

This is also the time to reflect on your adoption journey.  Think about what you have learned from the process. You might not want to change anything about your journey, but a placement disruption can give you the opportunity to confirm that adoption is the best path for your family.   

Many adoptive parents spend a good amount of their savings on an incomplete adoption.  Talk to a financial advisor about how you can get back on track and afford another adoption.  Generally, families can claim the adoption tax credit for an incomplete adoption; a financial advisor will be able to educate you about your family’s specific circumstances.  

Although this match may not have been the one for you, patience and trust will lead you to the child meant for your family.  In the meantime, embrace the love and support of your family and friends. You are not alone in this journey.